October 14, 2004
*I might have forgiven but i will never forget*
I might have forgiven but i will never forget
The way you forgot about me
and let him take my place. The fear is
still there and it will always be
that it will happen yet again.
You promise it wont that it was a one
time  mistake but iv heard it all before
now its my heart thats at stake.
We didnt talk all summer
you had him by your side.
But as soon as you guys split i was the
first one you called. You said you was
sorry and cried on the phone it made me
forget about all the pain you put me through.
But now its starting to happen again
at least thats how it seems.
Cuz now you guys are back togather and
you never call. im happy for you but i want
you to know that im not always going to
be their to catch you when you fall.
Cuz guess what... i trip to and your never their
so why should i be the one left in disspear?
You bring out another side of me one
that no one else sees we always have fun
togather that is when you are their.
I try to look at things from both
points of view but its hard to do when your
the one on the other end of it all.
I hate to admit it but its true
i would have no one if it wasnt for you.
Weve been friends for so long i dont know
it any other way. but if it comes
down to it i can make it on my own.
i dont need someone by my side whos never
going to be their. Im better then
that and i deserve more. So for now
im gonna stick around
i forgave you this time but i havent forgot
but if it happens again....
I could never forgive you

September 06, 2004
*I am just a gurl*
I am just a gurl
who has a hard time
opening up to people
so give me time
im scared of what you
will say or think
will you understand
or just be fake?

I am just a gurl
who needs a friend
but not your pitty
i may act like im strong
but inside im weak and
fragle just let me know
thay you really care
and eventually i will
come around

I am just a gurl
so dont laugh at
me if i start to cry
instead give me a
shoulder to lean on
and a hand for support
i just need to feel
loved and wanted....
all the time not only
when im needed

I am just a gurl
who wishes upon the
stars...whos lost
and confused but
only 15...

I am just a gurl
still trying to figure
out who she is
so be patient with me
and ill come around....

September 04, 2004
*The real you*
I had my doubts about you
and i often stopped to ask
myself if what you said was
true. I was afraid to let my
guard down, afraid of getting hurt
every one used to tell me to stay
away form you cuz you didnt know how to
treat a gurl you that only wanted one thing
but i never saw you that way
you were always sweet to me
It was easer for me to denie
my feelings then to risk them
falling apart. But i was tierd of
running away form the things that i
was afraid of,from the things i didnt
wanna face. So i was willing to give
you a chance i had finally accepted
my feelings for you and right after
i did i saw you,the real you
When we were around every one it was
like every thing you ever said was a lie
every time i came around you would walk
away like you didnt want to be seen with me
And then you wounderd why when it was
just a few of us and you tried to talk
to me i didnt wanna talk to you
i thought you were differnt form most
of the guys i knew i thought you really cared
but then i saw you......the real you

August 04, 2004
*Maybe*
I know this isnt helping me
Just sitting around thinking,
woundering and trying to answer
all the questions i have inside
but its really hard and scary
and i dont know what to do. I
dont have a friend by my side
holding my hand guiding me telling
me everything is going to be okay
in the end. and i wish i did
maybe its my fault that i dont
maybe i could be doing somthing different
or maybe i should stop blaming me for every thing
sometimes i just wanna scream at
the top of my lungs and just let
every thing out...but i dont
i hold every thing in and hide my
hopes and my fears from the world
I know theres people i could talk
to but i dont and im not sure why
maybe because im scared to open up
maybe because i dont know what
they would say or think or
maybe because i dont know what to say i
dont know how to start to explain it
or maybe im waiting for someone to come
to me just hoping that they would look
through my fake smile and see all the
hurt and pain i hold inside and just take
me in their arms and make every thing
okay......maybe just maybe

August 04, 2004
*Why me?*
I try so hard but its never good enough
because i feel worse every day that passes by
i feel all alone i just dont know what to do
i dont have anyone to talk to noone to
hold me tight and every
ones first question is "why are you mad?"
or "what are you mad about?"
why does that always have to be the case?
i guess i always thought i
was stronger then i really am i wanted to believe
i could do everthing on my own i know its
okay to ask for help i just dont know who
to turn to i dont know what i would say or
how to even start to explain i miss
her so much we were friends for so long
she wasnt always there for me
but i knew i wasnt alone It feels like my
life just went to hell and its summer so whats
going to happen when school starts?
Am i going to be the gurl who always sits alone?
I just dont know who i am any more and
i dont like the gurl i see in the mirror
why is this happening to me?

July 02, 2004
*That feeling...*
I remember that feeling
you know the one i mean
the feeling you get when you
see that person you like or
maybe even think you love
and your heart sinks to your
stomach and you dont know
what to say so you stand there
silent just admiring from afar
trying to get your knees steady
and lump out of your throat
i'v had that feeling before but
its been awhile i dont miss all
the confusion and woundering if
he feels the same or if he even knows
my name i just miss having
someone to dream about at night
i havnt figured out whats better
liking somone and thinking about
them 24\7 or not having anyone
to dream about and woundering if
you ever will...........

August 03, 2004
*Do you understand?*
What do you do when nothings
wrong and nuthings right and its
just nothing at all? All you wanna do
is hide away and cry just to release
the pain you feel even if you dont know
why. It hurts when you feel all alone
when your by your self at night but it
hurts even more when your sitting
in a crowded room and yet you still feel
all alone, I wish some one would look
deep into my eyes and understand every
thing about me even the things i can
not. But no body looks that deep and
no body trys to understand and if they did
i still dont think they would for i dont
understand my self most of the time.
I dont know why i act the way i do or feel
the things i feel. So i dont really expect
other people to i just wish they would try
to show that they were there and remind
me that im not all alone and they really
do care but some times its hard to
let people in and help them to understand
when i dont understand my self

What about me?
June 10, 2004
You used to cry about the guys
and tell me how bad it hurt when they
only used you or pretended that they
liked you when really they didnt
but how do you think i feel when
you use me to get what you want?
when you say you care but never
really show it. As long as your getting
what you want then every things great
you dont stop and look at how you make
other people feel...or how you make me feel
Thats just not importamt to you or
at least thats how you act.
There were times when i really needed
you and you were right there by my side
and i am thank full of that but there were so many
more times when i needed you and you wernt there.
I cant even think of one time when you needed
me and and i wasnt there i have always
been right there for you i have done so
much for you and this is how you thank me?
This is what im left with?
just memerys of you and us. It doesnt seem
fair to me that i get left behind to sit in
my room and cry when your out having
fun with your "new" friends
well if this is how you think its always
going to be...you just forget about me and
leave me in the past and then something
happens to you and you call me up knowing
that ill be there for you well think again cuz
things are about to change i can no longer
play this game. your gonna call some day or
need me and your going to get a shocking
suprize when you relize that
im not going to be there. why should i be?
We were best friends for about 5 years and
we had so many great times togather dont get me wrong but this is all true you only use people
to get what you want iv seen you do it with other
people but i never relized you were doing it to me
to....untill now.

With out you.....
May 22, 2004
Your missing so much of my life
And some times i find my self wishing
you were there
But other times im happy your not
because i cant stant the pain
the pain of watching you drink you life away
You used to tell me how much i ment to you
But it was hard for me to believe.
you were to blind to see my pain
or maybe you just looked past it
hoping it would fade
when i tried to tell you how i felt you looked at
me like i must be insane
you were so used to people making excuses for you
that you couldnt face the truth.
when people tried to tell you this
you blamed it on someone else
you drove your family away slowly
one by one
but even that didnt change your mind
the sadest part is that you missing out on
you missing out on your daughters life
your not here to watch me grow...
I have changed so much you dont even
know who i am anymore
I just wish that you would open your eyes and
relize that were growing apart
more withevery day that passes by
and im starting to get use to living my life
with out you.

*Mixed Emotions*
I'v been waiting for my world to stop spinning
So i can finally catch my breath
Every things changing i dont know what to do
One minute im happy and the next im so blue
Its like every one i thought i knew became strangers over night
And the dreams i once had just dissapeard out of sight
No ones ever truly there when you need them the most
In the end your all alone fighting in a world of hate
Depending on the faith within
Hoping that someday it will all end
Not knowing which way is up
Or where your life is headed
Longing to feel wanted
Needing to feel loved

*Good Bye*
I hadnt talked to you in forever
And then one day i seen you walking in the hall
We said hi and made small talk
But still it wasnt the same
That night you called me
Just to say hi
Knowing what happend
And what we went through
But neither of us brought it up
The akwardness remaind
But i hope you dont think
That one conversation on the phone
Is going to make everything go away
Because i havnt forgot what you did
The pain is still there
The way you made me feel
Can never be erased
Your not the same person
I once called my best friend
The way you act the way you talk the things
you care about..
Its not the person i once new
Its the little moments like that
That help me move on
And remind me of the reasons
I had to say goodbye to you

*Old friends*
Any time i hear the phrase "Best Friends"
I imeadiatly think of you
Knowing that i will never be as close with anyone
The way i once was with you
You will always hold a special place in my heart
But things will never be the same
I finally said thats enough and put it to an end
But its still hard living my life with out you
For six years i had you by my side
And now i walk alone
Standing on my own two feet

*Lost*
Im lost in the darkness
I scream out your name
But you dont come
you are no longer there

You left me with a broken heart
Left me behind with out any reasons why
Questions raid my mind
But the answers are unknown

Confusion all around me
Thought of you still linger on my mind
The memerys left behind to stay forever within my
soul

Should i let you go?
Or hold on for one more day?
Do you still think of me?
Or have you put me in the past?

Im left in the darkness
Of my lonley heart
With questions that remain un-answerd
And hopes of a brand new start

*I wonder*
I wonder what your thinking
I wonder what you see
I wonder if you feel the same way i do
I wonder if i should just talk to you
I wonder why its so hard
I wonder if these feelings will last
I woder if ill ever put you in the past
I wonder why i like you
I wonder if its true
I wonder if its worth it
I wonder if ill go insane
I wonder if your gonna fade
I wonder who i am
I wonder if im ready
I wonder if its right
I wonder where were gonna end up
I wonder and wonder and wonder again.

*Alone but loved*
I know i have people who love and care about me
But some times i feel like the out-sider.
I never feel like i really fit in.
Im still waiting for the day i find some one
who understands me complety
in every way. Maybe thats impossibe but maybe not.
I have lots of friends in school but out side
i feel alone. Im not the type who gets invite
places alot with a group of people
Im the one left out And in away its my fualt and i
know this
I dont really care what people think of me
I am who i am and i except that
but i still feel like i cant totally be me around
people.
I dont like talking to people on the phone
cuz i never know what to say
I guess you can just say im not a people person.
I have all thes hopes and fears inside that
i dont really know what to do with.
I cant talk to people becuase they dont understand
and act like they dont care.
So instead i write things down when i need to talk
I confide in my self.
Some times its hard and lonley
But i get by just fine im still standing and
living my life.
And thats what counts the most in the end.

*Whats inside your heart?*
Whats inside your heart....
Dont judge people by the clothes they wear
Or by the make up on their face
Dont judge them by the way they wear their hair
Or by the shoes on their feet
Dont judge them at all unless you really know them
Because you will never see who they really are
Dont judge them by their looks
cuz your also also judging your self
You look at people around you
and see what they have that you dont
And wishing you could be like them
With out seeing inside their heart
You look at people and see what they dont have
That you do and relize that you are blessed
And that some arnt as lucky as you
And maybe your glad that you dont look like them
But you dont know whats in their heart
So dont judge people by the out side
Unless you really know the truth
About whats inside their heart
Because one day...
They might judge you
And you would want them to know
Whats really inside your heart
Before they judged you

*Is it me*
Is it me or is it not?
Am i the reason i feel alone
Do i try to hard or not hard enough?
The questions could go on forever
But i dont see the point bc the answers are
No where near or maybe they wernt ment to be found
I know i have people who care about me
My family is always there but its more then just that
All my friends that i have been close to i have lost
They either move away or we jus loose touch
Some times i feel like its my fault because i dont really
Open up to people and i dont know why
I dont like to talk on the phone bc i never know
what to say I say
Id rather be hated for who i am then be loved for
someone im not
I feel im diffrent from every one else
In some way that im still trying to figure out
Being different isnt a bad thing i dont wanna be
like every one else
But differnt in a way thats keeps me form feeling
like i fit in.
It it me or is it not?

*I do care*
You might think that i dont care
by the things that i say
But thats not the case i do
care maybe a little to much
I care about you and i care about us....
But i also care about me
Thats why i have to say good bye.

*Somethings Missing*
I hate when i get in these moods
All i wanna do is cry
i get sucked into the memeries
of the past when it was just you and me
a time when i felt so happy i felt complete
but now theres something missing and it
feels so deep i know what it is im just
trying to get past it i think of you less and less
now and im doing pretty good
but theres always those times
when something reminds me of you
or i hear about you and all the things you have
been doing....with out me.....
i did everything with you and now im all alone
i have no one to talk to no one to share my
secrets
and even the friends i do have have "friends"
but i never fit in i hate the way i act around
people
very few know the "real" me
i dont know what to do anymore my
heads filled with emotions and no where
to go you were the only one that i felt safe
with i wasnt afraid to be me we had our own
thing that most people didnt understand
we could laugh about the stupids things for
hours we always had such a good time.
thats the people i miss the most
you and me and the way we used to be

*When you loose a Best Friend*
I used to think that i couldnt
go on with out you....
you were all i had we did every
thing togather but when we stoped
talking i was so lost i didnt know what to
do...i felt alone and i was so scared
i didnt talk to anyone about it and would
sit in my room at night crying with nothing
but my pillow to hold tight i knew that it
would help if i talked to some one i just didnt
know how much at the time untill one night i sat
down and talked to my mom about it
and told her how i felt and she made me
relize something that i hadnt before......
i was feeling so lost and alone because she
was all i knew she was what and who
i was comfortable with so with out her i was
on my own something i had never felt before and
it was scary....but she also helped me relize
that i could go on and that i would meet new
people
and have new friends it would just take time
you had other friends but never had any other
close
friends ull like you because i didnt feel i needed
any i thought i would always have you
so im wrighting this for all the people
who have ever lost a best friend
and have felt scared and alone
cuz iv been there to but it does get
easer it just takes time.......

*Loving my self first*
One day ill meet the one i cant live with out
And somday i will be with him
But today..today im just living my life
Trying to love me first
Trying to accept my self for who i am and trying
To learn my ways.
I dont think it would be fair to try and let you love
me for all that i am
When i still have trouble loveing myself
So for now theres more important things on my mind
And if i gave myself to you now
You would control my thoughts every night and day
You may not understand and im not asking you to
I just hope you'll wait for me
Becasuse one day ill be ready
To feel your arms around me to
Share all my hopes and fears
But today isnt that day
Today im just trying to love myself.

*Love of the future*
Are you out there
waiting on me to
i know your some were
i just wounder if well ever
meet i think about you sometimes
when im alone at night
do you think of me to?
im not ready for you now but please
dont forget me for someday i
will be ready and our love will
be devin you dont have to drive
a fancy car or buy me things to
win my heart you just have to be
kind and gentle to be mine
i dont fall often but when i do
i fall hard so please dont play
with my heart likes its a toy that
wont break because its like thin
glass very fragle and must be
handled with care i just need
to know that you'll always be
there for and that you love me
for me and not just the gurl you
see so untill the time comes for
us to finally meet...remember my name
cuz ill see you in my dreams tonight.....

*What happens next?*
Six years of friendship
And this is where we end up
Never thought the day would come
When we would no longer talk
But that day happend
That day is here
Now i go on without you
But sometimes wish you were here
It happend way to often
And i wanted it to stop
The pain was to great
The tears fell to often
But deep down inside
In the corner of my mind
I never truly thought
This day would come
So what happens next?
Were are our lifes headed?
2 years from now
Will i see you on graduation day?
And manage a fake smile
Knowing what we once had?
10 years form now
Will i see you out somewhere?
And pass you by like a stranger?
What about 20 years from now
At our highschool reunin
Will i see you then?
Will we reminise about old times?
Or pretend they were never there?
I never thought that day would come
But now that day is here
The day we finally said goodbye
But this time....
Its forever

*Moving On*
Dont look down on me
Because im not a strong as you
Because i couldnt keep on living
Every day like i never did anything wrong
Like im not the one to blame
For ending a friendship that was
Ment to last but couldnt deny the pain.
The pain that you caused by your selfish ways
Days have past and im moving on
Not from a lover that broke my heart
But from a friend that shatterd it to pieces
Now im fadding away from the life
I once new when i had you by my side
But now i know that sometimes you have to
Move on and say goodbye even when it hurts
Now the pain has faded and my tears have dried
But the memery of you remains
We may have said our goodbyes
But your still in my heart
Now its my time to experince life on my own
Even with its hardships and lost dreams
But dont look down on me because im not as
Strong as you because i cant keep living everyday
Like i never called you my best friend